A Note To My Tanning-Obsessed, Seventeen-Year-Old Self

Dear Tiffany,

A wise woman named Missy Elliot (and later on, Lena Dunham) once encouraged you to: “put this thing down, flip it and reverse it,” and that’s exactly what you should be doing with the $40 a month you’re spending on that mother-effing tanning package.

Take your money and invest in a good broad-spectrum sunscreen. Spend it on gas to put into Reggie Rocket, your beloved maroon Jetta from 1999. Put it towards a Mandee’s shopping spree (but don’t buy another pair of heart-shaped hoop earrings, for the love of God). Put it towards your ~*SeNiOr Sh0rE*~ beer money fund (#noregrets). You scooped a lot of ice cream to earn that $40. Don’t spend any more of it damaging your skin.

Oh, and while you’re at it, break up with your boyfriend. He sucks too.

Xo,

Your Self-Tanner Obsessed, 24-Year-Old Self

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